Panto dame terror

Police urged Waiheke islanders to be on the lookout this week as reports of panto dames are 70% more common than at the same time last year.

One Ostend resident, who did not want to be named, was terrified by the arrival in his garden of a fairly well dressed Dame, clad in mystic white samite.

Meanwhile, in Oneroa,  a second dame was spotted lurking in the bushes outside Artworks. Community Board Chairman Philip Symonds vited to solve the problem by burning the building down.

 "It was time to put the past behind us and move on" he said.

Park Ranger Andy Spence commented that with the recent elimination of natural predators  such as cockchafer-beetles and domination owls, the island Dame population is thriving.

"But people need to be aware that these are wild creatures and possibly dangerous" he added. "And anything that wears mauve velour with brown suede, especially with a wig like that,  is bound to mean trouble."

The dame can be recognised by its distinctive cry of

Biosecurity Red Alert

While most varieties of Dame are relatively harmless, there have been recent spottings of the most dangerous species of Dame.

The Great Pied Lighting Engineer, rightfully extinct in many parts of the world, is easily identified by its great hairiness and tendency to play with electricity. If it gains entry to your house, it will drink all your beer and giggle.

Unconfirmed reports also state that a winged variant, attracted to bright lights, has been spotted in Rocky Bay. It is thought that the wings are an evolutionary adaptation to enable the great Pied Lighting Engineer to hang lights in those difficult-to-reach spots.

While this variety of Dame is inclined to dress more tastefully and will not steal your beer, it is somewhat sinister in appearance and may have a tendency to listen to Joy Division..

Residents are recommended to switch off their porch lights so as not to attract these potentially dangerous visitors.

TOP: This Dame was spotted lurking in the bushes outside Artworks. Community Board Chairman Philip Symonds vited to solve the problem by burning the building down. "It was time to put the past behind us and move on" he said.

MIDDLE: The dame can be recognised by its distinctive cry of "I applied my OWN makeup!"

BOTTOM: The Great Pied Lighting Engineer, lethal and hirstute.