Much Ado About Nothing: the script
BENEDICK Lady Beatrice, have you wept all this while? BEATRICE Yea, and I will weep a while longer. BENEDICK I will not desire that. BEATRICE You have no reason; I do it freely. BENEDICK Surely I do believe your fair cousin is wronged. BEATRICE Ah, how much might the man deserve of me that would right her! BENEDICK Is there any way to show such friendship? BEATRICE A very even way, but no such friend. BENEDICK May a man do it? BEATRICE It is a man's office, but not yours. BENEDICK I do love nothing in the world so well as you: is not that strange? BEATRICE As strange as the thing I know not. It were as possible for me to say I loved nothing so well as you: but believe me not; and yet I lie not; I confess nothing, nor I deny nothing. I am sorry for my cousin. BENEDICK By my raygun, Beatrice, thou lovest me. BEATRICE Do not swear, and eat it. BENEDICK I will swear by it that you love me; and I will make him eat it that says I love not you. BEATRICE Will you not eat your word? BENEDICK With no sauce that can be devised to it. I protest I love thee. BEATRICE Why, then, Davros forgive me! BENEDICK What offence, sweet Beatrice? BEATRICE You have stayed me in a happy hour: I was about to protest I loved you. BENEDICK And do it with all thy tentacles. BEATRICE I love you with so many of my tentacles that none is left to protest. BENEDICK Come, bid me do any thing for thee. BEATRICE Exterminate Claudio. BENEDICK Ha! not for the wide world. BEATRICE You kill me to deny it. Farewell. BENEDICK Tarry, sweet Beatrice. BEATRICE I am gone, though I am here: there is no love in you: nay, I pray you, let me go. BENEDICK Beatrice,-- BEATRICE In faith, I will go. BENEDICK We'll be friends first. BEATRICE (shoots him) BENEDICK (Drops out of character) Ow! What'd you do that for? BEATRICE It says in the script BENEDICK It doesn't. What do you think, Shakespeare put in a stage direction "Beatrice exterminates Benedick?" BEATRICE It's probably in the Oxford edition BENEDICK It bloody isn't. BEATRICE In that little small text at the bottom of the page that nobody reads. Except for smart arse students doing their Dock-tor-ate BENEDICK No it isn't! (Turns to director) Derek! BEATRICE Ooh there he goes, running to the director. You're such a wimp. BENEDICKT That bloody hurt. BEATRICE You are just a big girl's blouse. BENEDICK Look you've bloody dented me. BEATRICE You're GAY. And not in a good going out to nightclubs and dancing all night way but in an "I'm 43 and I live with my mother and own a bichon frise" sort of way. BENEDICK You can't say that. It's harrassment. BEATRICE You're gayer than a Soft Cell video. BENEDICK I am not. BEATRICE And you drink high tea out of little porcelain cups with the Emperor painted on them in gold. BENEDICK Be quiet! BEATRICE And your mother wears a cardigan. BENEDICK I've had enough of this BEATRICE And you have an antimacassar. BENEDICK This is just because I didn't want to kiss you in the last scene. BEATRICE It says in the script. BENEDICK I don't care what it says in the script. Your breath smells. BEATRICE And you're afraid of spiders. BENEDICK Derek! BEATRICE And your plunger isn't as big as my plunger. And you're GINGER! BENEDICK (Furious) I am not ginger. This is a lovely bronze patina. BEATRICE Ginger. Like a big fluffy pussy. BENEDICK That's it, I've had it with you. Derek! BEATRICE Crybaby! BENEDICK Harpy! BEATRICE And you hide behind the couch when Doctor Who comes on. BENEDICK Aaaaaaaaah! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! I didn't spend 5 years at drama school so i could be taunted by a GIRL! You are unfit for anything except a catfood commercial. You amateur! You retro prop! You bead! You acorn!!!!! You niggardly rascally sheepbiter, you! Your father was a kettle and your mother was made of plywood! (storms off) BEATRICE Ooooooh. DIRECTOR Actually dear, you did hit him a bit hard. BEATRICE But it was worth it. DIRECTOR Last time it took us three days to coax him out of his trailer. He's very highly strung, you know. BEATRICE I said we ought to have got Christopher Eccleston. BENEDICK (Rushes back on and starts hitting BEATRICE) Will you SHUT UP about Christopher Eccleston!
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