Island shocked by local commuter arriving on time Local infrastructure authorities are baffled as to how Brian Fillnuggan, 28 arrived on Wednesday, the 21st of February this year at the Matiatia passenger ferry wharf, travelling at speeds well under the posted limit, and with a blood-caffeine level of less than 80mg/100ml. Mr Fillnuggan himself could not offer an explanation for his behaviour, and states that he does not make a habit of being early for the ferry. 'I don't know where I went wrong. I got up at the same time as usual, had my wake-up espresso, had a shower, got dressed and came to the boat. Somewhere along the line I gained 12 minutes, and I didn't even realise until I set foot on the wharf, and by then of course it was too late.' Later, during an interview with the Ferry User's Group about his appalling lack of consideration for the mental well-being of the ferry-going public, Mr Fillnuggan revealed that as his 2.3 children were on a school trip at the time, he hadn't driven them to school as per his usual routine. Along with his diversion to the local school he would stop off at a service station and purchase a cup of cheap, nasty coffee, artificially saturated with caffeine. This explains both his excessive punctuality, and his dangerously low caffeine levels. Mr Fillnuggan has agreed to therapy to ensure that another incident does not occur.
Currently, no regulations are in place for the control of caffeine, but some island residents believe that they are overdue. Caitlin Lozenge, of unknown age, a resident who resides in her residence in Ostend, has campaigned long and hard to have compulsory breath checks at both wharves. 'These silly little commuters are running around, being all stressed out and hurried, with no thought to the effect on their bodies. The human body needs sufficient amounts of caffeine to sustain such a high level of stress. Dashing at breakneck speeds for the boat is all very well and good, but make sure you have a nice big cup of coffee first.'
In a rare, controversial move, local government bodies have taken time out from spending taxpayer's money on press junkets and high-speed convoys to come up with a pro-caffeine campaign of their own. Expect to see the words "Commute With Care: Keep Coffee Near" emblazoned on a billboard near you in the near future. Panto Dames Morris Dancing Terror Cecille! Cecille! Vikings Attack Former Mayor Explodes Turnip Crisis Teenager found to be sober, behaves well Brewery explosion
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